Revelation

I just got the new People Magazine, in which Portia De Rossi talks about her struggle with anorexia.  If you haven't read it, you totally should.  I'm not a big fan of hers really, I've never watched her shows, but the article was really great.  At her lowest weight she was 82 pounds.  I got down to 85 before I saw a picture of myself from the back, and realized that I looked like a skeleton.  While she was able to go to a treatment center, I went to a support group.  While for her it was about being skinny, for me it was about being in control.  I started restricting myself when my parents were splitting up, I was twelve.  It seemed like everything in my world was beyond my control.  Food intake was one thing I could control. 

College was when it got really bad, though.  While away at college, I was totally broke.  Every dime I earned was going to bills and tuition- with little to nothing left over.  I worked at a restaurant, and often the meal I got there was the only one I would eat.  Period.  If I didn't work- I didn't eat.  It was almost a contest with myself- let's see how long I can go without eating!  Finally I saw a picture of myself, and saw just how I must look to everyone else.  I called my dad, and told him I wanted to come home.  I never told him the real reason why, but I was pretty sure that if I didn't go home, where people loved me, I was going to starve myself to death. 

Ten years of restricting was- so hard to overcome.  With the help of a support group- filled with girls who had all gone through the same struggle- and the love of my family, I was able to overcome.  Since then, I've had one relapse.  My church was having a three day fast- and I thought I could do it too.  After a day and a half, I was- enjoying the feeling far too much.  I was excited that weight was dropping.  All the old feelings came back, like an ex you just can't seem to get out of your head.  But I'm better.  I eat several small meals a day, walk with my dog, and stay healthy.  But it wasn't easy.